Sunday, September 26, 2010

The teen moms of "Teen Mom," part II

Baby Mama: Farrah
Baby Daddy: Derek (deceased)
Baby Baby: Sophia
Baby Unstable Grandma: Debra

           I’m going to write about each Teen Mom in order from most normal to most ape-shit insane. Farrah, believe it or not, is the second most normal, so just you wait for my posts about Amber and Catelynn! Farrah Abraham is a retard from Council Bluffs, Iowa. When she got pregs with her daughter Sophia, was a senior in high school, where she was a cheerleader and probably took a lot of special ed classes. Farrah is so dumb; she is really dumb, for real.

            How dumb is she? She attends culinary school but doesn’t know how to make microwavable pizza. Though, she doesn’t go to “real” college, so why would she be an expert on microwavable food? You win this one, Farrah. Pizza is a large part of Farrah’s life: she fails at microwaving it, she once had to make pizza for a homework assignment, and she works at a pizza place. Farrah will most likely fail out of Pizza State University. When she went ingredient shopping for her pizza homework, she bought a Boboli crust, some pears, bleu cheese, and I think some M&Ms. A Boboli crust, Farrah? Way to cut corners. If you’re going to skip the critical part of the assignment where you actually make the crust, at least go with DiGiorno.

            Pizza is great and all, but the best part of Farrah’s story is her nut-job mom, Debra Danielson. Debra is the real-life basis of Cruella DeVil. This is no joke; she once wore a fur coat that looked curiously like Dalmatian when shoveling snow. I am legit pissed that I can’t find a photo of it online, but compare these pictures of Debra and Cruella:

            Crazy shit Debra has done: let her moron daughter out in public without a leash and/or helmet, try to keep Farrah and her boyfriend/baby daddy Derek apart so they wouldn’t have sex (that always works), force Farrah keep her baby even though she’s probably too stupid to keep a goldfish alive, and get sent to jail for chasing Farrah with a fucking KNIFE. Farrah said, in a therapy session, that when Derek died in a car accident before Sophia was born, Debra was happy that “the problem was gone.” In teen pregnancy, the problem is usually the baby, but since the first trimester had passed, the next safest thing to get rid of was the baby’s father. Something about Roe v. Wade blah blah blah.

            On “16 & Pregnant,” Farrah vaguely mentioned that Sophia’s father was not in the picture, but it didn’t come out that he had died until the second season of “Teen Mom.” Farrah is the only one of the Teen Moms whose baby has no father at all. Not to be confused with Maci, whose baby daddy is completely useless but at least still alive to take her to court over child support.
            During season one of TM, Farrah spent a lot of time going out on dates with sketchy guys, leaving Sophia with her parents grandparents. All of the guys, including an especially sketchy one named Shaq, ended up dumping Farrah because she has a kid. This surprised Farrah, because she is dumb. Another thing that surprised Farrah, because she is dumb, was getting scammed out of $3000 when she sold her car online. She didn’t read this:, because she is dumb.

            It’s okay, because Farrah will be able to make $3000 in three hours at the pizza place, because it pays $1000 an hour. It has to, because Farrah lives in her own apartment. I don’t know how much rent is in Iowa, but it must not be very much, if an 18-year-old who doesn’t know how to write a check and/or supports herself and a stylish baby are able to afford their own place. Farrah still has money left over to get hair extensions. Life is officially unfair; I can’t afford hair extensions.

            Farrah moved out of Debra and Debra’s personal assistant/sometimes husband Michael’s house, because Debra is a crazy bitch who loves knives. Better to skin Dalmatians with, my dear. Some of the most uncomfortable moments on TM are the conversations fights between Debra and Farrah, while Michael sits obediently in his cage. Debra does sort of try to work things out with Farrah, and offers to let her live in the guest house across the street. I don’t personally know of anyone who has a guest house across the street; maybe behind the house on the same property, or, like, at the beach or something. I think Debra referred to one of the guest houses, specifically the one across the street. Debra probably owns the whole neighborhood, but the other 20 guest houses were being renovated at the time.

            One the most recent episode of TM, Farrah was in the process of getting survivor benefits for Sophia, from Derek. The state ordered Farrah to get a paternity test, and Derek’s sister was a total bitch and didn’t show up to get tested. Farrah, just call 1-800-55-MAURY! It’s your hot body, you do what you want! Due to sister of Derek’s bitchiness, it doesn’t look like Sophia will receive survivor benefits. Or, according to Dictionary by Farrah, “surviver benefits.” Farrah typed an email to Derek’s sister on the show, and her expensive iMac didn’t pick up the spelling error. That was because Farrah is dumb and spells most words incorrectly, so she turned spell check off and fixed it so the words she spells right get the red line under them instead. I didn’t see any red on that computer screen. Farrah is dumb.

            Keep watching “Teen Mom” to find out what happens to Farrah, Sophia, Cruella and the rest of the gang Tuesday nights at 10 on MTV!

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